Thursday, 22 January 2015

Freak outs

I'm going back to Cambodia. I'm going back to Cambodia and I don't know how long for. I'm going back to Cambodia and I don't know how long for and I'm going to leave in three weeks. It was supposed to be next week but I'm being sensible for the first time ever and holding on for some vaccinations. Despite the fact that I've been there before and have never loved a place so much I'm scared. Really scared. What if it isn't what I want it to be, then once again I'm back to square one with the concept of what to do in my life. What if I don't find friends and feel isolated. What if what if what if. These freak outs have been coming and going in tidal waves of life threatening panic usually at completely unreasonable times of the night. I've been grumpy because I want to leave immediately, it's so cold in the UK. I have no purpose here, no job. Then I've been whingey because I'll start to doubt myself again. What if this isn't the right thing?! What if what if what if.

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why is self doubt something that is even ok? There's no way you'd walk up to a friend or a stranger or anyone and tell them they're not likely to be happy because their nose is too big, or their eyes are wonky, or they talk too much, or not enough and frankly that makes them a terrible person; that's not ok. So why do we do it to ourselves? Continuously. We all deserve our own happy. We all deserve to be exactly who we are meant to be. I feel like forever I've been taught a way of life and you just take it for what it is that, this is inevitably what you need to be happy. That's wrong, just fyi. I don't know what I want to do with my life, that's ok. I don't know about a career, that's ok. Sometimes I do talk too much or not at all and that's ok. I don't have a goal but there is something in me screaming to go away. It's not finished and I need to go. It might be what I've always wanted and it might not and that's also ok. Happiness isn't the end goal, it's the all the way along goal. It's being satisfied with nothing and everything and knowing that change is the only thing that will get us ever closer to forever. I could be in Cambodia for a month or forever. I might find the next step along the way, it could be an endless rabbit hole but I'm so ready. I can't believe I ever listened to the small voice telling me what if. The small voice saying that perhaps I'm not good enough and I should just accept the way that things are. I let that small voice tell me the wrong things because what if this is going to be amazing? What if I find what I've always wanted to do? What if I continue to fall in love over and over and over with the sun coming up every morning and the infinite blue of the sky and the endless horizon of the ocean? It might be dreamy and sound unrealistic but letting the fear go and taking the jump is the only way to find out. I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready.



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