I've been writing this post for a long time now. It's stayed in my drafts, been completely restarted and forgotten about over and over. It's difficult to do because I don't know how to do it without getting too personal, without crossing some sort of line. But maybe the only way of being real is by being painfully openly real. It's about people. People will always come and go. Whether you want them to or not. Circumstances change, opportunities arise, love can be lost, or found in unexpected places and in every situation ever, life takes people full stop. Learning to appreciate who you have is probably one of the simplest, yet most difficult things to conquer. Learning to let go of people that don't have a positive impact on your life is probably one of the most difficult, yet simplest things to do.
I feel like I've always been craving some sort of acceptance. I seek out frutile destructive relationships, only to be hurt when they inevitably don't go well (prime example being the guy that lied about everything for 5 months and I sort of knew the entire time) I'm good at recovering from them, because it only takes a brush down before its all aboard the crazy train again. This doesn't just stand for my unfortunate romantic relationships, I'm not very good with friends either. I know I don't make the effort, only to be upset when I'm not included. I can't seem to learn.
In the last year the amount of people I have met has amplified significantly. I've met people that haven't been home in decades and people that have never left their hometown. I've been utterly inspired by people and their stories and the relationships, genuine relationships, with real care and real loyalty and real love that can blossom and just how quickly it can happen. I've seen the purest forms of love and the impact that that alone has on life. I've also had an increase on negative relationships. I've been called cold hearted as I've gained the ability to cut people out that are not healthy (to be around) or don't quite belong. I've had bad encounters with not nice people and have learnt some important lessons. Lessons lessons lessons. One of which seems the simplest of all. That searching for acceptance or some sort of achievement in a relationship is not genuine.
Of course it isn't. The connection is based on fleeting needs that can never be satisfied because they exist soley in the crazy sector of my brain. Only to be reinvented if they're met. I can't say I will never do this again but I can say that I'm realising.
This really is for me to achknowledge the types of relationships that are over looked, but in reality are what builds the foundation of my life. They're not materialistic, they don't mind what I look like and they have no reserves in telling me when I'm wrong. The people who I've watched the stars with and the ones I've watched clouds with. The ones who have picked me up after I've fallen on my face (quite literally) and the ones who have mocked me relentlessly. The friends whose houses I go to for a nap and the ones who drive directly to me when they feel I've needed it. We've not spoken in months only for it to feel like we were never apart. The sisters who came from nowhere that will forever be my family and the people with which distance is not remotely an issue. Relationships will never be easy and people will always come and go. But sometimes realising that who you already have is the only thing to do. Seeking out destructive relationships for some sort of value on self worth is laughable, when the love I have from the people I have makes a value of self worth incomprehensible to 16 year old me. I am enough. And so are all of you.